Memory Stash

These days all of us are at home, and are spending a lot of our time on the internet. There is a lot of news about the virus, about politics and about people's sentiments. I have hardly any other contact with the outside world, other than through the internet. As I try to stay informed and cope with my new normal, I have given serious thought to the source of all of my information.  The internet can be the worst teacher. Much like an imaginary friend, you can spend time "hanging out" with the internet. It talks to you, it can keep a secret (at least from your parents) and it can be your companion when you need support or comfort. The resources online are plenty and if you go looking for something, chances are you will find it. But isn't that the problem? The internet only gives you what you are looking for. You search for love and any search engine gives you the top ten websites that discuss the meaning of love. As a bonus, you will get a couple of ads thrown in to te...

Each hair I pluck off my body, baring  a little more  of my skin, airing  my insecurities.  Each hair I lose,  hiding my flaws.  abiding by  unwritten laws of the society.  A small part of me  that's dead that they'll  never know,  buried  in my subconscious.  They only want to see  the shiny, the soft, and I surrender  hands aloft,  just glad to be seen at all. 

Finding patterns in chaos,  and order in turbulence. Giving shape to dreams,  with a measure of hope. Discovering the unknown, as the limit tends to infinity. Exploring the degrees of freedom,  when grappling with uncertainty. Math is a serenade to the universe.  It bridges divides, makes every number matter. Math equals unity. 

I grew up in a town of plenty, flowing water, leafy trees, the smell of baked goods floating in the breeze. twisty lanes with rows of homes, on which many a scooter has roamed. The town was known for many things, its people and their way, its proximity to “Bombay”. its language and its rules, its safety and great schools . I had the best family and the craziest friends, the many places we made our own, the adventures to experiences unknown. the tiny pleasures I took for granted, things I never knew I wanted. I hope I could go back, to that traffic, to that chaos, to that overbearing boss, to that coffee, to that compromise. It was a town of plenty, If only I had realized.

I am lucky I have put this time to good use. I wrote. I painted. I baked and I cooked. But there seems to be no end in sight. I have looked and looked. My spirits are low, I have run out of oil. I have been sitting at home. Yet it feels like toil. I can see how my friends suffer, I can see how the world fights, I try to deal, I try to be calm. I focus on tiny delights. A star-shaped cookie, An interesting read, Learn a new language, Do a good deed. I am one of the lucky ones. I have time to take care of me. I don’t have chores, or work, or lives to save. I don’t even have to buy grocery. I am lucky, I tell my myself. I am grateful for all that I have. I have time to pray for the world to get better. I have time. I am lucky. I must keep it together.

My heart is a house plant. Needs a little bit of sun, Some shade now and then. Protection from the climes, Needs care all the time. It’s hardy, it has the ability to live to survive, the capacity to give and to invigorate, to bloom. House plants breathe life into a room. It’s fragile, it manages to survive the more you love it, the more it thrives. It can wilt in the cold, the rain. House plants aren’t meant to adapt to pain. It withers and it grows, one gets what one sows. It is a responsibility, one should knowingly want. My heart is a house plant.

No, I am not married nor in a committed relationship. No, I am not sexually active nor am I thinking of adoption. Today I am 26 years old and am wondering : am I ready to be a mother? I am thinking about this because there is a right time for everything and today is the right time to wonder about this particular phase of my life. Let me tell you a little more about myself. I am an engineer with a master's degree in control theory and am currently enrolled in a doctoral program. Being a student at this age is not fun. My friends have moved on in their lives and are successful in their jobs, are aspiring home-owners and parents. My family has just moved on and has stopped worrying about me, since I am a grown up. Financial independence means earning enough to cover rent and living in perpetual credit card debt. Add to that the onus of repaying student loans. My long distance relationship ended when my boyfriend did not long for me anymore and became distant. Times two. Getting a PhD ...

Health : the ability to walk Heart : the ability to love Personality : bold and brave Brain : quick and clever Shantanu : my own Friends : my support Family : my constants Work : the ability to drive change Sustenance : food, facilities and entertainment Driving : my independence

From noise to white noise, In an eye's blink. Never let your guard down, You may have been hoodwinked. With caution proceed, For this is not the end. Of my warning take heed, Or it shall be so, my friend. Though I may seem harmless, But appearances deceive. I have weakened your defences, The worst you cannot perceive. I am an island of serenity, But I wear destruction like a crown. I promise no salvage no security, I remain, as the world around me drowns.